a while back i had coffee with an old friend who recently went through a bad breakup. he asked how long it took me to get myself back on my two feet. i paused and couldn't answer clearly as i was unsure of myself. but i listed off the things i tried: writing, social therapy, biking, jogging, going sober. as we continued our conversation it dawned on me that those things were just fillers. yeah, they helped, but none of us can know how long a healing will take. if we could, we would throw it all into a cocktail mixer and down it in a heartbeat. perhaps it doesn't matter what we do. perhaps all that matters is that we get through the time by putting one foot infront of the other while trying our best to stand back up from the many self-destructive things we do in a dark state of mind.

as for me, i'm doing so much better now. time felt like it slowed down when the days seemed the darkest, but alas, i made it out. the light i found at the end of the tunnel was the illumination of my potential. i had this huge void in my heart during the times when i felt like i needed something else to feel complete; now i realize that what was missing was a huge chunk of myself that i had forgotten about. i uncovered the things that i used to like to do. i needed to remember these things, and now that i have, i feel whole again.

something good is about to happen, i know it. once you hit rock bottom, the only way you go after that is up. it's always darkest before the dawn, right? i've been watching the sunrise for a while; things can only get better after all that i've been through, and i'm eager to see what stories i'll have by the end of the year.

however, i can't take credit for any of it. i owe it all to her. everything i've done was an accumulation of all the things she has tried to teach me (not even exaggerating). i've always thought back to the things she told me and i tried my best not to disappoint her sweet voice in my head (i can still vividly hear her say my name and not my nickname - that's when i know i'm in trouble).

if you see this, i'm glad you're here. i'm always thinking about you and rooting for you.

<3 your biggest fan

p.s. for the longest time every time i come across a video of huskies being annoying and weird or wolf dog videos i save them for you

here's my favorite:

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