dnd

My phone has been vibrating with so much worry. I haven't replied to 95% of the missed calls and messages since the beginning of the year. I want to, but I freeze up not knowing how to reply. Rather than showing the mess that I am, it is easier to hide. So I update my story from time to time to let them know I'm ok (like how I'm almost 3 months sober). I don't know if I will ever be ready to face my friends. They will ask, but I really don't want to talk about it.

I don't know where I belong anymore, who I fit in with, and what I want to hear. I'm an introvert now who expresses my feelings through pseudonyms. I still have so much to fix, but I don't know what to start with. Some days, I feel a brokenness that I can't even comprehend. It was something so indescribable that even I needed a little bit of time to see how serious it was. I'm all over the fucking place, and I feel so lonely battling with myself. It's like I'm the enemy of my own living. The creator of this foreign place I call home.

I could immerse myself in social therapy and late night outings again. Forcefully filling my void with other people (fleeting relationships and synthetic friendships). But I choose not to because I want to heal the "right" way. A method that entails a couple hundred lonely nights or however long it takes until this anesthesia kicks in.

How come I keep feeling this way? :(


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