I went out over the weekend and here is what I saw...
Music blaring, lights flashing, everyone's inebriated. For the first time in my life, I saw that everyone was wearing a mask.
Everyone had a backstory. Behind the mask, everyone is broken. I looked deeper and I saw their problem written on their forehead. It said depressed, loss, relationship conflicts, family issues, financial hardship, and much more.
Everyone was wearing a mask. I don't blame them. I used to be the guiltiest. It's easier to drown ourselves in alcohol and drugs during bad times. Feeling pain? Take a shot. Still feeling pain? Take another shot. Keep repeating this process until we lose all motor senses. You do it long enough you'll build up such a habit you completely forget why you started in the first place. And sometimes I guess that is the goal. Every day, week by week, month by month, we dig deeper and wider.
It's the easiest and most common remedy. Simply put on your mask. Do whatever it takes so we don't be alone with our thoughts. We try to surround ourselves with people as much as possible so we can't think for ourselves. We distance ourselves from our hearts in the most unhealthy way possible. Trying to hopefully forget for a few minutes to several hours. To only sober up in the morning to realize that the problem is still there. So what do we do next? We wake up and try to get another dosage or go out with a friend so we can forget a little longer. Then we repeat this therapy day in and day out.
We go out, put on a fake smile, saying life is okay. In the end, who are we really fooling? We find ourselves constantly needing company so we can block out our thoughts. We talk to our friends and we try our best to confine ourselves to their words. We turn the knob to the maximum volume so we cannot hear ourselves. We want others to think for us because it hurts less. We do everything we can to interrupt our heart as much as possible. We try every method to ensure that we don't give our hearts a chance to finish what it is dying to say. We try to blind ourselves to give the illusion that our life is where we want it to be.
I have experienced it from all sides and I am not going back. I got a suggestion that I need to go hook up with someone. They told me I need it. I've taken that advice in my younger days and it was the fucking loneliest empty feeling. Worst advice ever. Once you know how it feels to be complete, you never want to settle for anything less again.
Anyone who is giving that advice is fighting a battle on a roller coaster of their own. They never experienced what it's like to be with a person meant for you. Remember, not all advice is a good advice. Never take an advice from someone you don't want to switch places with. If they haven't been through it, please listen with a grain of salt. We need empathy and not sympathy. Someone who has never been through it is in no position to be giving us an actionable advice. I have been through that therapy before and it is nothing but sheer emptiness.
I've worn a mask before for too long. Yes... I am extremely depressed. But I am not going to put another mask on and I am okay with that. I am through with fooling myself. I am listening to my feelings. It hurts so fucking much but it makes me feel alive compared to before. For far too long I have only lived with trying to not show my emotions because it was easier and safer. It didn't do me any good. Now that I have learned I am not going to hide any longer how I feel. My walls down and it is staying down. I am through with pretending - no more acting.
My mask was on for so long that I forgot it was there. One day a person will come along to take off your mask. When you are lucky enough to meet this person please remember to take off theirs. Love and care for them unconditionally. Love their perfections and imperfections. Do whatever it takes to make them whole. Do not seek for success trying to give them the world when you are already their world. By doing that, you will neglect them. Cherish the moments. Make every week special. Create new memories together. Explore the world together. Go on new adventures together. Grow old together. Because once you meet this person... You will know. Trust me. You will just know. Together you will be complete. Your lover and best friend. Your world will begin and end together.
Behind the mask, everything is apart.
Darkness consumed when you part.
Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain.
Hiding the tears that fall like rain.
Take off your mask, make you whole.
I love you so, I won't let go.