murky

I sat here for awhile trying to come up with a metaphor, euphemisms, or a watered-down down to say it. No matter how I try to phrase it still comes out the same:

I am not happy.

I really don't understand how I'm still standing right now. I feel so frail. So depleted of the invigorating adrenaline that life used to fill me with.

The people who once was concern stopped asking me how I am. Making it easier to fool everyone around me with this image of serenity - that none of this shit is affecting me in the way that it actually is. I know no one going to understand, but I'd expect at least myself to be able to. I can't make sense of anything right now, and no matter how hard I try I can't fool myself that life is heading towards how I want it to be. I'm tired of these antics.

Everything since the beginning has been constantly piercing through me. It's engulfing me alive. It's corroded my mind to a point where at times I can't even look at myself because all I see is a reflection of a fuck up. To be with a person I have always coveted for and to let it evaporate into the air. Left with this murky fog that never seems to fade.

I keep on having dreams with you, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss you on the cheek and ask you how your day was. Where every morning feels like Christmas, every second like Valentines, and end every night like it's Thanksgiving. I falter wishing I could tell you these things.

Despite all the social therapy and coffee dates I try to be immersed in, the day idles on and the night slugs even longer. From the moment I wake up, I begin counting down the hours until I can live in my dreams again. I really loathe this. You readjusted and redefined the meaning of "normal" for me. And now that you're not here, I feel like I'm just stumbling around in the murky fog.

My best friend, my lover, my sense of safety and belonging. Where are you now when I need you?


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