I was hoping you would give me a chance to tell you in person what I am about to say... But you don't want to talk to me and I understand.
I've never told anyone about my blog besides you and another person. As I said before, what I wrote about is for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it won't truly understand it. They may think they do, but they don't. They say the things left unsaid stays with us forever.
You didn't break my heart. I broke my own heart. I broke your heart. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize... It was entirely my fault. I was blind. My eyes and ears were shut and when I finally opened them you were gone.
Our time apart got me to finally see how you were neglected and I didn't put myself in your shoes. Everything you tried to teach me to heart, you finally did. I'm sorry for everything... I should have known. I was careless. Too stubborn to see. I did notice towards the last month when we were together. I was making changes. I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough... You were my world and I was too blind to see I wasn't being yours.
My priorities were in the wrong place. I was so caught up trying to chase glory. I wanted to take care of you financially. I don't give a shit about what people call "success" anymore. It has flipped 180. You opened my eyes. You opened my ears. You opened my heart. You showed me the real meaning of success. To have someone love and care for you wholeheartedly and for you to do the same for them. Not to hold back one bit. No second guessing, no defense mode. To have no walls with a transparent heart.
What is truly important is now aligned. All I care about is to love now. To be selfless. Open heart, open mind. To love and care without holding back like you did with me. I've been lost for so many years that I forgot who I was and what I stand for. Thank you. Thank you for tearing down my walls around my heart. Thank you for showing me how to love. Thank you for showing me how it feels to be loved. You took off my mask. You shined your light. You brought color into my life. I didn't know it was possible for me to love this much. There are no words to describe how great it feels. Out of all the things I've experienced in my life, you were the best. You are my favorite. I'm sorry that it had to be when it was too late. I'm sorry for hurting you.
Once you learn something you never can unsee it. And you taught me that. The reason why I can't let go is because I know I am capable of giving you the love that you deserve and desire. That my love won't hurt you anymore. To always be by your side. To be your partner. To be your everything. Now and forever.
No doubt that you were the best thing that ever happened. My favorite part of my life. I cherish everything you did for me. Everything you taught me. Everything you have shown me. Everything you made for me. It's so sentimental... I break down every time I see it. Every time I touch it. Every time I read it.
Did you know you were the closest person I ever allowed into my family? My family is so disappointed in me... Disappointed how I fucked it up. They wanted to contact you and I had to stop them. They know how great you are. They love you. I failed them. I failed you. I'm sorry... When you are almost an RN please don't forget to contact my sister. She will try her best to help you. My family will always be here for you.
I'm sorry... I've been suicidal. I've never been this low. I'm weak. I'm scared. So afraid. In so much pain. I have thoughts. I want my pain to stop. To end it. Make it go away for good... I can't talk to my friends or family about it. I don't want any special treatment. I don't want them to worry. I only told two people about it. They don't understand how I'm feeling. They told me to think about my friends and family. I know that it would break their hearts but I feel that one day they would understand. They don't understand what it is like to pretend. You can only pretend for so long. I've been breaking down every single day... There's not much left of me to endure this. How much longer must I go on pretending?
Please forgive me. I didn't know I was a thief. I'm returning back the light I stole from you now. Everything I absorb from you. I'm sorry for everything... Please don't hate me. I know you don't believe me but I always meant well. You can stop worrying now. You don't need to care for me any longer.
Stay happy. Take care.